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Cheap Speed and PlayStation2 (2189 words) by 
OxfordTweed
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Hot Fuzz (2007), Spaced, Shaun of the Dead
Rating: Mature
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Nicholas Angel, Danny Butterman, Tim Bisley, Mike Watt, Daisy Steiner, Yvonne, Ed, Shaun Riley, Noel
Summary: Whilst in London for an urban training exercise, Nicholas and Danny are called to a small electronics shop to deal with a pesky customer.
"Shaun, your boyfriend's here," Noel nearly shouted from across the floor.
"He's not my boyfriend!" Shaun shouted back, momentarily forgetting about the customer standing next to him. "He's not my boyfriend," he assured the elderly woman before making his way to the front of the shop. Through the large windows, he could see that Ed was indeed standing outside. "Ed. What are you doing here?" he asked as he pushed the door open.
Ed shrugged. "Just talking to my friend..." He turned to the man standing next to him. "What's your name, mate?"
"Tim."
"Just talking to my friend, Tim," Ed said.
Shaun sighed. "Well, you can't 'talk' here," he said. "Go on. Get out of here."
Ed shrugged again before turning quickly to Tim. "Right. Noel gave you my mobile number, yeah?"
"Yeah," Tim said slowly.
Shaun watched as his friend turned to walk down the street, waiting until Ed was out of earshot before turning to Tim. "You can't be here either, unless you're gonna buy something," he informed the man.
Tim inhaled slowly. "Do you sell... Playstation 2 controllers?" he asked.
Shaun didn't want to let this "friend" of Ed's into the shop, but they did sell Playstation 2 controllers, so he stepped out of the way of the door. "Yeah, we do," he said as he stepped back inside to help the customer he'd left waiting.
Tim followed him in, taking his time in getting over to the pathetic gaming section of the shop.
"Busted," Noel chided from across the floor, grinning widely.
"Am not," Tim shot back. He wandered over to the product display for Microsoft's latest console release and automatically picked up the controller.
Shaun spent nearly forty minutes with the silver-haired woman, answering the same four questions over and over and over again before she finally decided that maybe she didn't need a new television, after all. Exasperated at the old woman for wasting his time, Shaun began to make his way back to the front of the shop, stopping in his tracks when he spotted Tim still standing in the games section, half-consciously blasting away at aliens.
"Uhm, excuse me," Shaun said, not surprised in the least when Tim didn't respond. "Just fucking great."
Shaun sighed as he walked over to the counter, snatching the telephone away from Noel.
The patrol car was parked on the side of the road when a call came over the radio about a suspicious character loitering at a nearby electronics store. One of the employees called in, suspecting the man of being under the influence, and requested assistance.
"Right, now Danny," the officer in the driver's seat said once he was done talking to dispatch. "This is the perfect opportunity to learn how to deal with someone who's been using."
"Using what?" Danny asked honestly.
The sergeant shook his head, not for the first time regretting his decision to volunteer the two of them for a training course in London. "Let's just respond to the call," he said, rubbing his eyes with his hands. The store was in south Highgate, which was about ten minutes from where the officers had parked their car. The found the store easily enough, Nicholas having been from London, himself. Once the car was parked, the two officers made sure they both had their notebooks on them and walked into the shop, pointed the way to the loiterer by a red-haired employee.
"Excuse me," Nicholas said menacingly.
The knit cap-wearing video game player didn't even flinch.
"Oy!" Danny shouted, chucking his pen at the man.
"Danny!" Nicholas scolded, despite the effectiveness of the tactic.
"What?" the man demanded as he let the controller drop to the ground. "I told--oh." He froze at the sight of the officers, grimacing slightly.
Nicholas turned to his partner, talking quickly. "Danny, you go get the employee's information; the one that called, and come back here when you're done."
"Okay."
Danny walked off, leaving Nicholas with the suspect. "Can I get your name, sir?" he asked, pulling his notebook out of his pocket.
The man put his hands up into the air and shook his head. "Hey, let's not do this, all right? I told Ginger, over there, that I'd just be a few minutes--"
"Name," Nicholas demanded.
"Tim Bisley." He sneered at the red-haired employee as Nicholas' attention was diverted to his notebook scribblings.
"Can you take your hat off for me?" It was more of a demand than a question, but Tim didn't want to press his luck. He pulled the knit cap off his head, revealing a mess of badly bleached hair. "What's with the large jacket?" Nicholas asked, motioning to the snowboarder's style coat Tim was wearing. "It's nearly summer. You can't possibly be cold."
Tim shrugged. "I like this jacket."
Danny returned to Nicholas' side, his nose in his own notebook. "Right, Nick," he said, trying to read his own scribble. "Employee's name is Shaun Riley. He said this bloke's been in here for almost an hour, and he thinks he might be on something."
"Hey, that's really good," Tim said, pointing to a doodle in the corner of the page.
"Yeah?" Danny asked, his eyes lighting up. "Check this out!" He closed his notebook and began flipping through the pages, only to have his hands slapped by Nicholas.
"Danny! Now is not the time!" Nicholas scowled as he turned back to Tim. "Have you been using anything illegal, Mister Bisley?" he asked.
"What?" Tim asked, scoffing slightly. "Of course not!"
"Take off your jacket, Mister Bisley," Nicholas instructed as he put his notebook back in his pocket. "Now." Tim let out a worried squeak as he unzipped the heavy coat, slowly taking it off. Nicholas took it from him and handed it off to Danny. "Go through the pockets, Constable," he said. "Mister Bisley, turn around, please."
"Oy!" Tim said, barely aware that he was resisting an officer of the law. "You need a warrant for that!"
"No, we don't," Nicholas said. "Now turn around, or I will make you turn around." Tim quickly turned his back to the officers, submitting to the quick search. He expected it would have just been a quick pat down, and was quite startled when the officer reached his hand into the front pocket of his jeans. "What is this?" Nicholas demanded, holding up a small plastic bag.
"Uhm... oregano?" Tim answered unconvincingly.
"Danny, bag it," Nicholas said, handing the marijuana off to the constable. He pulled his handcuffs from his belt, quickly pulling Tim's hands behind his back. "You don't have to say anything, although it may hurt your defence. Anything you say can be entered into evidence."
"What?" Tim demanded. He turned awkwardly to Shaun, who was standing behind both of the officers. "You really are a cunt, you know that!" he spat out.
"Fuck off!" Shaun shot back, sneering.
"Hey!" Nicholas barked, silencing both men. "Mister Riley, you'll need to come with us, as well."
Shaun nodded, grimacing slightly. "Right," he said slowly. "I don't have a car, so I'll need to call someone real quick."
Nicholas nodded. "Very well," he said. "Extremely quick."
"Busted," Noel called out from behind the counter, laughing slightly.
"Shut it!" Tim and Shaun shouted in unison, silencing the young employee.
Shaun and his friend, Yvonne, followed the officers to the station, losing them once it became time to park. Not sure what else to do, they made their way up to the main desk, finding a very distracted receptionist.
"We were told to come down here by a Sergeant Angel," Shaun said nervously.
"You two," a stern voice said from behind them before the receptionist even had a chance to respond. "Come with us."
Shaun and Yvonne turned to find the officers, Tim still in tow.
"When do I get my phone call?" he demanded, apparently done struggling with the officers.
"When you're done processing," Nicholas responded. He started to lead his group out of the main area.
"Oy! Shaun!"
"Ed!" Shaun shouted, turning to find his friend being brought in, also in handcuffs.
Ed laughed at the sight before him. "You too, eh, Tim?" He asked, nodding slightly.
"Yeah, this cock called the cops on me," Tim said, sneering.
"Shauny," Ed scolded, disappointed.
Nicholas' jaw dropped, having forgotten how absolutely insane criminals in London tended to be. "You know this man, Mister Riley?" he asked, pointing to Ed.
Shaun sighed. "Yeah, he's my flat mate," he admitted.
"That's not what you said last night," Ed said under his breath, leering at Shaun. "You gonna bail me out, then?" he asked, fighting slightly against the officer that tried tugging him away from the gathering crowd.
Shaun jerked his head at Nicholas, shocked that Ed would even mention bail at that moment. "No!" He said. "Make Noel do it."
Ed shrugged. "Aw'right." He allowed himself to be led off as Nicholas pulled Tim away from the group, prompting everyone else to follow. Nicholas turned in Tim's belongings and submitted the evidence bag while Danny processed Tim, leaving Shaun and Yvonne alone for nearly an hour.
"So, are we still on for tonight?" Yvonne asked.
"What?" Shaun asked, playing with his neck tie. "Oh. Yeah. Liz is really looking forward to this."
"Oh, that's great!" Yvonne said happily. "A friend of mine and her flat mate are coming, too. She said there might be a few other people tagging along, too, but she wasn't sure."
"Yeah?" Shaun asked, excited to be going somewhere that wasn't a pub for once. "If Ed makes bail, he'll be coming, too. Declan coming?"
Yvonne nodded. "Yeah. Hopefully someone among us has a car bigger than mine."
They both laughed, barely noticing Nicholas open the door. "Mister Riley," he said, clearly exhausted with the entire situation. "I need to get your statement."
"Right here?" Shaun asked. Nicholas only nodded as he pulled out his notebook. Shaun ran down the series of events, conveniently leaving out the bit about how he knew Tim was holding, because he saw Ed sell him the weed right there in front of the shop. He knew Ed and Tim would do the same, as this had not been the first time something like this had happened. As Nicholas scribbled everything down, the door opened, and two more people walked into the room.
"Daisy!" Yvonne said as she got to her feet.
"Yvonne! What are you doing here?" Daisy asked.
"Shaun needed a ride. What are you doing here?"
Daisy shook her head. "My flat mate got arrested. Can you believe that? He said he'd walk Colin and clean the kitchen for a month if I came and bailed him out."
The women both laughed as Nicholas dropped his hands to his sides. "You all know each other?" he asked.
Shaun pointed at Yvonne. "Only her," he said. "I've never seen these other two in my life."
The door opened again and Danny and Tim walked into the room, Tim looking like he was about to drown the first person that came near him.
"Timmy," the man that came in with Daisy said simply.
"Mike."
Danny looked at this friend of Tim's, slack jawed. "Why are you dressed up like a soldier?" he asked in awe.
Mike leaned in close to the officer. "Because I am one," he said quietly, as though sharing some awesome secret. Danny could only gasp in admiration.
"So, are you ready for tonight, then?" Yvonne asked Daisy, completely ignoring the men in the room.
"Oh, yeah," Daisy said, excited. "Tim heard from Tyres, who's also coming tonight, about this new club in Crouch End that's supposed to be really good."
"Wait, this is the flat mate?" Shaun demanded, pointing to Tim. Tim and Daisy only shrugged. "All right," Shaun said simply, sitting down in one of the seats, as the door again opened, this time admitting Ed and Noel into the small room, which was becoming more and more cramped by the minute. Nicholas shook his head as he threw his hands into the air.
"So, are you really a drug dealer, then?" Danny asked Ed, who appeared to be the only calm person in the room.
Ed only shrugged. "I sell a bit of weed every now and then," he answered honestly.
"Really?"
"Danny!" Nicholas shouted, silencing everyone in the room. "Now, everyone just hold on, a minute. How do you all know one another?"
Shaun spoke up first. "Well, Ed's my flat mate, I've known Yvonne ever since I was a DJ, and I work with Noel, there." Noel only smiled, chewing loudly on his gum.
"I met Tim through Noel," Ed said, shrugging lightly. "And I met Noel through Shaun."
"Daisy's my flat mate, Mike's my best friend, and--"
"All right!" Nicholas said, exasperated, not expecting to get everyone's life story. "That's... fine." He pointed to Tim and Ed. "You two just get your belongings and the rest of you can leave. Let's go, Danny."
Danny shrugged as he started to follow the sergeant out of the room. "So, have you shot anyone, then?" he asked Mike.
"DANNY!"
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Hot Fuzz (2007), Spaced, Shaun of the Dead
Rating: Mature
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Nicholas Angel, Danny Butterman, Tim Bisley, Mike Watt, Daisy Steiner, Yvonne, Ed, Shaun Riley, Noel
Summary: Whilst in London for an urban training exercise, Nicholas and Danny are called to a small electronics shop to deal with a pesky customer.
"Shaun, your boyfriend's here," Noel nearly shouted from across the floor.
"He's not my boyfriend!" Shaun shouted back, momentarily forgetting about the customer standing next to him. "He's not my boyfriend," he assured the elderly woman before making his way to the front of the shop. Through the large windows, he could see that Ed was indeed standing outside. "Ed. What are you doing here?" he asked as he pushed the door open.
Ed shrugged. "Just talking to my friend..." He turned to the man standing next to him. "What's your name, mate?"
"Tim."
"Just talking to my friend, Tim," Ed said.
Shaun sighed. "Well, you can't 'talk' here," he said. "Go on. Get out of here."
Ed shrugged again before turning quickly to Tim. "Right. Noel gave you my mobile number, yeah?"
"Yeah," Tim said slowly.
Shaun watched as his friend turned to walk down the street, waiting until Ed was out of earshot before turning to Tim. "You can't be here either, unless you're gonna buy something," he informed the man.
Tim inhaled slowly. "Do you sell... Playstation 2 controllers?" he asked.
Shaun didn't want to let this "friend" of Ed's into the shop, but they did sell Playstation 2 controllers, so he stepped out of the way of the door. "Yeah, we do," he said as he stepped back inside to help the customer he'd left waiting.
Tim followed him in, taking his time in getting over to the pathetic gaming section of the shop.
"Busted," Noel chided from across the floor, grinning widely.
"Am not," Tim shot back. He wandered over to the product display for Microsoft's latest console release and automatically picked up the controller.
Shaun spent nearly forty minutes with the silver-haired woman, answering the same four questions over and over and over again before she finally decided that maybe she didn't need a new television, after all. Exasperated at the old woman for wasting his time, Shaun began to make his way back to the front of the shop, stopping in his tracks when he spotted Tim still standing in the games section, half-consciously blasting away at aliens.
"Uhm, excuse me," Shaun said, not surprised in the least when Tim didn't respond. "Just fucking great."
Shaun sighed as he walked over to the counter, snatching the telephone away from Noel.
The patrol car was parked on the side of the road when a call came over the radio about a suspicious character loitering at a nearby electronics store. One of the employees called in, suspecting the man of being under the influence, and requested assistance.
"Right, now Danny," the officer in the driver's seat said once he was done talking to dispatch. "This is the perfect opportunity to learn how to deal with someone who's been using."
"Using what?" Danny asked honestly.
The sergeant shook his head, not for the first time regretting his decision to volunteer the two of them for a training course in London. "Let's just respond to the call," he said, rubbing his eyes with his hands. The store was in south Highgate, which was about ten minutes from where the officers had parked their car. The found the store easily enough, Nicholas having been from London, himself. Once the car was parked, the two officers made sure they both had their notebooks on them and walked into the shop, pointed the way to the loiterer by a red-haired employee.
"Excuse me," Nicholas said menacingly.
The knit cap-wearing video game player didn't even flinch.
"Oy!" Danny shouted, chucking his pen at the man.
"Danny!" Nicholas scolded, despite the effectiveness of the tactic.
"What?" the man demanded as he let the controller drop to the ground. "I told--oh." He froze at the sight of the officers, grimacing slightly.
Nicholas turned to his partner, talking quickly. "Danny, you go get the employee's information; the one that called, and come back here when you're done."
"Okay."
Danny walked off, leaving Nicholas with the suspect. "Can I get your name, sir?" he asked, pulling his notebook out of his pocket.
The man put his hands up into the air and shook his head. "Hey, let's not do this, all right? I told Ginger, over there, that I'd just be a few minutes--"
"Name," Nicholas demanded.
"Tim Bisley." He sneered at the red-haired employee as Nicholas' attention was diverted to his notebook scribblings.
"Can you take your hat off for me?" It was more of a demand than a question, but Tim didn't want to press his luck. He pulled the knit cap off his head, revealing a mess of badly bleached hair. "What's with the large jacket?" Nicholas asked, motioning to the snowboarder's style coat Tim was wearing. "It's nearly summer. You can't possibly be cold."
Tim shrugged. "I like this jacket."
Danny returned to Nicholas' side, his nose in his own notebook. "Right, Nick," he said, trying to read his own scribble. "Employee's name is Shaun Riley. He said this bloke's been in here for almost an hour, and he thinks he might be on something."
"Hey, that's really good," Tim said, pointing to a doodle in the corner of the page.
"Yeah?" Danny asked, his eyes lighting up. "Check this out!" He closed his notebook and began flipping through the pages, only to have his hands slapped by Nicholas.
"Danny! Now is not the time!" Nicholas scowled as he turned back to Tim. "Have you been using anything illegal, Mister Bisley?" he asked.
"What?" Tim asked, scoffing slightly. "Of course not!"
"Take off your jacket, Mister Bisley," Nicholas instructed as he put his notebook back in his pocket. "Now." Tim let out a worried squeak as he unzipped the heavy coat, slowly taking it off. Nicholas took it from him and handed it off to Danny. "Go through the pockets, Constable," he said. "Mister Bisley, turn around, please."
"Oy!" Tim said, barely aware that he was resisting an officer of the law. "You need a warrant for that!"
"No, we don't," Nicholas said. "Now turn around, or I will make you turn around." Tim quickly turned his back to the officers, submitting to the quick search. He expected it would have just been a quick pat down, and was quite startled when the officer reached his hand into the front pocket of his jeans. "What is this?" Nicholas demanded, holding up a small plastic bag.
"Uhm... oregano?" Tim answered unconvincingly.
"Danny, bag it," Nicholas said, handing the marijuana off to the constable. He pulled his handcuffs from his belt, quickly pulling Tim's hands behind his back. "You don't have to say anything, although it may hurt your defence. Anything you say can be entered into evidence."
"What?" Tim demanded. He turned awkwardly to Shaun, who was standing behind both of the officers. "You really are a cunt, you know that!" he spat out.
"Fuck off!" Shaun shot back, sneering.
"Hey!" Nicholas barked, silencing both men. "Mister Riley, you'll need to come with us, as well."
Shaun nodded, grimacing slightly. "Right," he said slowly. "I don't have a car, so I'll need to call someone real quick."
Nicholas nodded. "Very well," he said. "Extremely quick."
"Busted," Noel called out from behind the counter, laughing slightly.
"Shut it!" Tim and Shaun shouted in unison, silencing the young employee.
Shaun and his friend, Yvonne, followed the officers to the station, losing them once it became time to park. Not sure what else to do, they made their way up to the main desk, finding a very distracted receptionist.
"We were told to come down here by a Sergeant Angel," Shaun said nervously.
"You two," a stern voice said from behind them before the receptionist even had a chance to respond. "Come with us."
Shaun and Yvonne turned to find the officers, Tim still in tow.
"When do I get my phone call?" he demanded, apparently done struggling with the officers.
"When you're done processing," Nicholas responded. He started to lead his group out of the main area.
"Oy! Shaun!"
"Ed!" Shaun shouted, turning to find his friend being brought in, also in handcuffs.
Ed laughed at the sight before him. "You too, eh, Tim?" He asked, nodding slightly.
"Yeah, this cock called the cops on me," Tim said, sneering.
"Shauny," Ed scolded, disappointed.
Nicholas' jaw dropped, having forgotten how absolutely insane criminals in London tended to be. "You know this man, Mister Riley?" he asked, pointing to Ed.
Shaun sighed. "Yeah, he's my flat mate," he admitted.
"That's not what you said last night," Ed said under his breath, leering at Shaun. "You gonna bail me out, then?" he asked, fighting slightly against the officer that tried tugging him away from the gathering crowd.
Shaun jerked his head at Nicholas, shocked that Ed would even mention bail at that moment. "No!" He said. "Make Noel do it."
Ed shrugged. "Aw'right." He allowed himself to be led off as Nicholas pulled Tim away from the group, prompting everyone else to follow. Nicholas turned in Tim's belongings and submitted the evidence bag while Danny processed Tim, leaving Shaun and Yvonne alone for nearly an hour.
"So, are we still on for tonight?" Yvonne asked.
"What?" Shaun asked, playing with his neck tie. "Oh. Yeah. Liz is really looking forward to this."
"Oh, that's great!" Yvonne said happily. "A friend of mine and her flat mate are coming, too. She said there might be a few other people tagging along, too, but she wasn't sure."
"Yeah?" Shaun asked, excited to be going somewhere that wasn't a pub for once. "If Ed makes bail, he'll be coming, too. Declan coming?"
Yvonne nodded. "Yeah. Hopefully someone among us has a car bigger than mine."
They both laughed, barely noticing Nicholas open the door. "Mister Riley," he said, clearly exhausted with the entire situation. "I need to get your statement."
"Right here?" Shaun asked. Nicholas only nodded as he pulled out his notebook. Shaun ran down the series of events, conveniently leaving out the bit about how he knew Tim was holding, because he saw Ed sell him the weed right there in front of the shop. He knew Ed and Tim would do the same, as this had not been the first time something like this had happened. As Nicholas scribbled everything down, the door opened, and two more people walked into the room.
"Daisy!" Yvonne said as she got to her feet.
"Yvonne! What are you doing here?" Daisy asked.
"Shaun needed a ride. What are you doing here?"
Daisy shook her head. "My flat mate got arrested. Can you believe that? He said he'd walk Colin and clean the kitchen for a month if I came and bailed him out."
The women both laughed as Nicholas dropped his hands to his sides. "You all know each other?" he asked.
Shaun pointed at Yvonne. "Only her," he said. "I've never seen these other two in my life."
The door opened again and Danny and Tim walked into the room, Tim looking like he was about to drown the first person that came near him.
"Timmy," the man that came in with Daisy said simply.
"Mike."
Danny looked at this friend of Tim's, slack jawed. "Why are you dressed up like a soldier?" he asked in awe.
Mike leaned in close to the officer. "Because I am one," he said quietly, as though sharing some awesome secret. Danny could only gasp in admiration.
"So, are you ready for tonight, then?" Yvonne asked Daisy, completely ignoring the men in the room.
"Oh, yeah," Daisy said, excited. "Tim heard from Tyres, who's also coming tonight, about this new club in Crouch End that's supposed to be really good."
"Wait, this is the flat mate?" Shaun demanded, pointing to Tim. Tim and Daisy only shrugged. "All right," Shaun said simply, sitting down in one of the seats, as the door again opened, this time admitting Ed and Noel into the small room, which was becoming more and more cramped by the minute. Nicholas shook his head as he threw his hands into the air.
"So, are you really a drug dealer, then?" Danny asked Ed, who appeared to be the only calm person in the room.
Ed only shrugged. "I sell a bit of weed every now and then," he answered honestly.
"Really?"
"Danny!" Nicholas shouted, silencing everyone in the room. "Now, everyone just hold on, a minute. How do you all know one another?"
Shaun spoke up first. "Well, Ed's my flat mate, I've known Yvonne ever since I was a DJ, and I work with Noel, there." Noel only smiled, chewing loudly on his gum.
"I met Tim through Noel," Ed said, shrugging lightly. "And I met Noel through Shaun."
"Daisy's my flat mate, Mike's my best friend, and--"
"All right!" Nicholas said, exasperated, not expecting to get everyone's life story. "That's... fine." He pointed to Tim and Ed. "You two just get your belongings and the rest of you can leave. Let's go, Danny."
Danny shrugged as he started to follow the sergeant out of the room. "So, have you shot anyone, then?" he asked Mike.
"DANNY!"
